


Peeled Wallpaper

by stillnotovermylordsixth



Category: Given (Anime), Given (Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Heavy Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, References to Depression, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:48:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25077910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stillnotovermylordsixth/pseuds/stillnotovermylordsixth
Summary: Convinced that Akihiko abandoned him to get back together with Ugetsu, Haruki struggles to find a hint of light amidst his darkening thoughts.
Relationships: Kaji Akihiko/Nakayama Haruki
Comments: 19
Kudos: 260





	Peeled Wallpaper

**Author's Note:**

> Written for anonymous request on tumblr:
> 
> "...after akihiko leaves haruki's house, haru's depression/suicidal thoughts hit again and it seems aki its just trying to get back to ugetsu. And on top of that haru is just so insecure about his music and his band not succeeding, so theres no much light anymore in his life. And when he is on his limit aki appears to the rescue..."

"You're sure you have a place to stay?" Haruki asked from the doorway as Aki carried the last of his suitcases out. "You'll be alright?"

"I'll be fine, Haruki," Aki said with a smile, then bowed low. "Thanks again, for letting me stay for so long. I'll see you around?"

"Um. Right."

Haruki's heart sank as he watched the man he loved walk down the stairs because it was official now: Aki had made his decision. 

He'd chosen the violin.

It made sense, of course. The violin was beautiful and expressive, the center of attention, the star of the show.

On the other hand, Haruki was just like the instrument he excelled at: under appreciated and confined to the background, constantly taking on the supportive role to allow others to shine. 

All his life, Haruki had been content with that position. But now...

How could someone like him ever measure up to a prodigy?

How could someone as boring and average as him ever provide the same level of passion Aki obviously sought in a lover?

He couldn't, and Aki had finally grown tired of his company.

Two months passed, and Haruki's misery only worsened.

It was like Aki's rejection had peeled away the flimsy wallpaper of Haruki's confidence to reveal the rotting walls of self-hatred that had always existed beneath.

Because he could plaster on a fake smile and make it through most days without giving the slightest hint as to the height of his pain.

But then he'd see Aki around campus, carrying his violin, or working extra hard during studio sessions with Given, and Haruki would die a little more inside.

He wanted to be happy for Aki. Because Haruki loved him, even if the feeling wasn't mutual, and one _should_ be happy for those they love.

But Aki's happiness was...draining.

It was a black hole that sucked Haruki's self-worth, a stark reminder of how inadequate he was at bringing joy to the one person he'd always wanted to bring joy to.

Eventually, the constant reminder began to take a toll. At work, Haruki couldn't fake the smiles as long without shutting himself in the bathroom to cry during his breaks. When it came to his studies, he began to lack the motivation and vision needed to continue projects he was once passionate about. But worst of all, that harsh reality took a toll on Haruki's music. He couldn't focus. His rhythm was off half the time, while his fingers simply didn't have the will to move like they used to. 

It didn't help that the tension in the studio was already sky-high. But now, when Uenoyama snapped at him to stop slacking off, Haruki knew he deserved it.

This was exactly why falling for your bandmate was the quickest road toward disbandment.

The sad truth of the matter was that the band didn't need him anymore. Not really.

Haruki was as easily replaced as one of Aki's drumsticks.

 _They'd be perfectly fine, maybe even better off, without me_ , he thought.

_They don't need me._

He _doesn't need me._

_Why am I still here?_

Haruki didn't know what to do.

Feeling despair like this day after day… it wasn't _normal_.

It shouldn't hurt so much to exist in one's own skin.

All these thoughts raced through his mind as he stood frozen in place, past the yellow safety line, waiting for the metro. He stared intently at the tracks.

_It’d be fast, wouldn’t it?_

The thought terrified him, set his pulse racing even faster than his thoughts.

_Stop. Don't think like this._

His hands trembled and he hugged himself to keep it from being noticeable to those around him. Not that there were many people waiting on the last train of the night.

Haruki lowered his head as tears began to sting his eyes.

 _I don’t want to feel like this anymore_.

The train arrived and Haruki took a step back. The wind it produced as it rushed by whipped his hair about his face and he squeezed his eyes shut with a shuddering breath, quietly allowing the tears to spill down his cheeks.

_It's late and it's been a long day. I'm just tired._

“Haruki?”

He froze at the sound of Aki's voice behind him.

_No._

_Not you._

_Go away._

He clenched his jaw and pretended not to hear.

“Hey," he heard, closer, before a hand tugged firmly at his arm. "Don’t stand so close to the edge, dork.”

The force was enough to turn him around, but Haruki kept his eyes down, refusing to meet Aki's gaze.

The change in Aki's tone was immediate.

“Haru? What—? What’s going on? Are you okay?”

Haruki didn't move, didn't respond. He could only imagine what was going through Aki's mind as he watched his facade crumble. Haruki was too ashamed to face him.

“Come on, you should—probably sit down,” Aki said softly, leading Haruki by the elbow to an empty bench. Haruki followed without a fight. He was too drained for it.

When Aki sat him down, Haruki noticed the violin case.

There it was again; Haruki’s nemesis _mocking_ him.

He couldn't help but glare as Aki set it down on the floor.

“Haru, talk to me," Aki said, squatting before him with his hand close, but not quite touching Haruki's knee. "What’s going on with you? You’ve been acting... differently... for a while.”

Haruki shook his head, still avoiding his prying eyes.

“Why were you—” Aki's voice faded, as if he'd aborted the sentence halfway. But then he tried again. “Why were you so close to the edge?" 

Haruki's lip trembled as he recalled the vicious thought that had whispered the worst kind of encouragement.

Aki's tone changed again, this time, to something Haruki had never heard from him before: panic.

"You weren’t—considering—" His hand gripped Haruki's knee as his voice wavered. "You weren’t, right? Please answer me, Haru."

His desperate plea sent a painful pang directly to Haruki's heart. He finally lifted his eyes to take in Aki's face. To his shock, Aki looked _broken_.

Almost as broken as Haruki felt.

He held Aki's gaze.

“It was just a thought," he admitted softly, and Aki's jaw dropped with a gasp, as if Haruki had stuck a knife between his ribs instead.

Even his squat faltered, and he dropped onto his behind. Aki looked around himself, incredulity scribbled painfully all over his face as he ran his hands through his hair and swept them over his eyes. When he finally recovered enough to speak again, his words dripped with hurt and betrayal.

“So you were just... going to leave me?”

“Leave you?" Haruki scoffed. "That's rich, coming from you."

Aki's eyes widened, looking like he's just been slapped. "What do you mean?"

Haruki's bitterness spilled over into his words.

" _You_ were the one who left _me_ , remember? You chose... _him_. Just like I always knew you would!”

“What? I chose—?" Aki's brow furrowed with confusion before realization made his eyes go wide again. "I didn't go back to him! He and I were over a long time ago! I told you that!”

Haruki hesitated for a second before shaking his head.

_No, that can't be right._

“You idiot, I chose _you!_ ”

Haruki gaped. Aki looked so crushed, yet so angry, that he didn't know what to say. His mouth opened and failed to form a decent response for what felt like an eternity.

“But you… you left,” he finally muttered.

“Because I wanted to make something of myself!" Aki bellowed, startling Haruki with the power of his voice. "All I’ve done is take and take from you, Haru! I couldn't do that anymore!"

He came up on his knees, gaze softening along with his voice as he took Haruki's hands in his. "Don't you get it? I wanted to have something to offer, for a change. For you to see me as your equal... not as someone you constantly need to take care of.”

Haruki absorbed his words in a daze.

There was no way.

All this time, he'd been torturing himself over nothing? Over a stupid misunderstanding?

Now that he thought of it, perhaps he'd simply been waiting for a catalyst. Any little thing to finally unleash the crushing wave of hatred against himself.

He'd been waiting for that peeled wallpaper.

Haruki's throat formed a tight knot and he pulled his hands away from Aki's as he folded in on himself. Then he buried his face in his hands and wept.

Aki rose from the floor and joined him on the bench. His arms were quick to encircle Haruki and bring him into his chest. 

“I’m sorry I called you an idiot," Aki said, a hint of desperation still tainting his voice. "You’re not... I just… I couldn’t wrap my mind around losing you, Haru." His voice broke as his arms tightened around Haruki. "Please don’t… just don’t.” 

Haruki drew his hands away from his face to embrace him back. Between shaking sobs, he managed to speak.

“Aki, I think... I need... help.”

“It’s okay. We'll go to the hospital. I’ll be with you, Haru. You don’t have to do this alone.”

Haruki shook his head. “Not the hospital. I'm not... I don't want to hurt myself. I just... feel lost.”

Aki buried his face into Haruki's neck with a sigh.

"I should have tried approaching you sooner, Haru. I'm so sorry."

Haruki shook his head again because, truly, none of this was Aki's fault. He'd been out there trying to become a better version of himself while Haruki resented him from afar. Nevertheless, Aki continued.

“I love you, Haru. I love you so fucking much."

Haruki's eyes widened, but Aki wasn't done.

"I didn’t say it before because... I was waiting… I’m not sure what I was waiting for, exactly. The right moment, maybe? Or maybe I wanted to prove to myself that I was worthy of your love before imposing my feelings on you? I don’t know, it doesn’t matter. Because you need to hear it now."

His hand stroked soothingly through Haruki's hair.

"I fell so hard for you, Haru. You have such a warm, generous spirit. Everyone who comes into contact with you, even in the most casual sense, is blessed by your kindness. You probably think I don’t see you, but the truth is, I can’t bear to look away. You’re beautiful inside, and so damn sexy on the outside. And, god, you’re so fucking cute when you’re flustered, I can’t get enough of it.”

Haruki couldn't believe what he was hearing, it felt so surreal. He let out a small laugh that turned into another round of sobs, but Aki's hold around him did not falter. 

“Will you let me help you?” he asked quietly.

Haruki sniffed and nodded, a sense of relief spreading through him for the first time in months.

“I’d like you to see my place, if you’re up for it," Aki added. "And maybe… maybe you could stay with me tonight? I mean--I have an extra futon.”

Haruki understood Aki was probably worried he'd try to hurt himself if he was left on his own, even if that wasn't the case. But he nodded.

He didn't want to be alone, anyway. 

Aki's place happened to be closer to the station than Haruki's and they arrived after only a twenty minute walk. Aki apologized before opening the front door.

“Sorry, it’s so cramped in here.”

But when he entered, Haruki didn't see the studio apartment as cramped. Sure, it was small and its walls were bare, but overall, it was clean and Aki's things were organized neatly.

“It’s nice,” Haruki decided as he removed his shoes at the entrance.

“Thanks," Aki said with a small grin. "Would you like some water? Tea?”

Haruki let out a heavy breath. “I’d just like to go to bed, if you don’t mind. I’m tired.”

“Of course, let me grab the extra futon.”

Once the futon was set up, Haruki collapsed on it, exhausted.

Aki laughed and stripped most of his clothes off before sliding into the futon only a few inches away from his. He met Haruki's gaze for a moment.

“Do you need anything else?”

Haruki studied his features, made softer by the hints of moonlight slipping through the blinds. Aki had seen him at his worst tonight, and still, he looked upon him with such gentle eyes that Haruki felt like breaking down all over again.

"I'm sorry I made you worry," he whispered as his eyes filled with tears.

"It's okay," Aki whispered back, reaching across the divide to fiddle with a strand of Haruki's hair. It sent pleasant chills down Haruki's spine. "Just get some rest, alright?"

Haruki tried, even after he heard the gentle rhythm of Aki's deep breathing. But his mind was wide awake and refusing to calm down. No sleeping position was good enough, and eventually, he gave up trying.

Instead, he focused on Aki.

He looked so young, so peaceful while he slept. Haruki's chest filled with warmth and affection, just watching him nibble through his dreams.

_What do you dream of, that makes you look so damn cute?_

Haruki smiled and tried closing his eyes again.

Nearly an hour later, he remained as alert as when he'd first landed on the futon. He sighed, defeated.

He was _so_ exhausted. Why did his body insist on being so cruel?

He glanced at Aki again. 

His friend had shifted position to where he faced away from him. The outline of his back muscles was impressive, as always. Such a gorgeous view.

At that moment, something came over Haruki.

He decided to cross the divide into Aki's space.

Carefully, he snuck under Aki's covers, and was immediately met by the radiating heat of Aki's skin. The scent was comforting enough even without having to touch it—even if he really, _really_ wanted to.

Haruki's eyes fluttered shut with a sigh.

_Maybe now I'll be able sleep._

To his surprise, Aki startled awake. He turned over his shoulder, his sleepy eyes blinking into alertness when he caught sight of Haruki. 

“Haru?" he asked, voice thick as he turned over to face him. "Are you okay?”

Haruki nibbled on his lip, failing to keep the blush from creeping up his neck into his cheeks.

“I can’t sleep," he admitted, and lowered his gaze. "Could you maybe... hold me for a little bit?"

Aki's arms snaked around him without hesitation, and Haruki let out a startled yelp as Aki pulled him onto his chest.

“You don’t have to ask,” Aki said softly.

Haruki's heart thundered in his ribcage as his legs tangled around Aki's. But eventually, he relaxed enough to mold against him. He sighed into Aki's neck, perfectly content to be encapsulated in his warm, soft skin for all eternity.

He felt Aki shiver beneath him, before his hands stroked slow and soothing down his back.

“Would you like to hear a bedtime story?” 

Haruki hummed. “Yes.”

“Alright.” Aki cleared his throat. “Once upon a time… there was a... cat... who ate... a sock. Later, that same cat... pooped a sock. The end.”

Haruki laughed, thrilled to feel the rumble of Aki's mirth mixed with his.

“You’re a terrible story-teller,” he said with a giggle.

“Oi, tough crowd.”

Haruki chuckled, and when his cheek brushed against Aki's throat, he felt Aki's pulse speeding just as quickly as his own. He could also feel it through his shirt, where his chest pressed directly over Aki's.

After a beat, Haruki held his breath and pressed a kiss to the pulse point on his neck, and when Aki's breath hitched, he turned into Aki’s face until their lips met. The kiss was soft and slow, injecting the sweetest honey into Haruki's veins. His skin broke out in goosebumps as Aki's hands wove into his hair and he sighed, "I love you, Aki."

Aki accepted his confession with a gentle caress of his tongue, and proceeded to kiss him breathless.

After a while, Haruki broke the kiss to catch his breath against Aki's throat. And in that moment, he knew one night beside Aki wouldn't be enough.

“Do you think...I could stay for a few days?" he whispered into his skin. "Just while I… find help?”

“We’ll find someone tomorrow,” Aki replied with a determination Haruki wasn't quite expecting, but was immensely glad for. “But you’re welcome to stay as long as you want. I've missed you, y'know?”

Haruki smiled and squeezed him tight. "I've missed you, too."

He lifted his face up to meet Aki's gaze and held it for a moment.

"Thank you, Aki."

Aki smiled and quietly cradled Haruki's cheek. The gesture made Haruki's heart stutter all over again, and he leaned in to capture Aki's lips.

The caress of Aki's thumb across his cheek and the unhurried nature of his kisses brought fresh tears to Haruki's eyes. This time, though, he didn't feel ashamed to let them out.

Because while he recognized that there'd be a lot of work in the road to self-acceptance—for the first time in a long time—he was filled with hope. 

**Author's Note:**

> We all know boyfriends don't fix mental health issues, but having a support system sure helps! ;)
> 
> If you have any Given requests, drop me an ask/message on tumblr @stillnotovermylordsixth and I'll add them to the list ;) can't say when I'll get to them, but I'll do my best!


End file.
